Saturday, December 31, 2011

Attack of the Zombie Snowpersons!

You thought they were snowmen, didn't you?  Jolly happy souls, made of snow, who occasionally came to life.

And sure, some of those snowmen and snow-women you see are the jolly happy souls.

Then there are... the Un Dead.  The snowpeeps who are no longer among the living, who search for brains, who lose limbs and don't seem to notice or care.

Try the zombie checklist:

  • Snowman zombies are undead. This means they used to be dead, but are somehow reanimated .
  • Zombies don't walk.  They shuffle, slide, and roll. 
  • Zombies generally have their arms outstretched.

  • Zombies don't talk.  They do make sounds -- usually something like "Aaaaaangh!" or "Braiiiiiiiiiins!"
  • Zombies wear dirty torn clothes, if they wear any clothes at all... like a castaway muffler or an old hat.
  • Zombies are usually covered in blood.  Snowman zombies, having different circulatory systems and different eating habits, are covered in, well, snow.
  • Zombies look like they're sick.  You know - kind of bloated, with little body definition.
  • Zombies have dead expressions and vacant stares.  Their eyes might as well be two lumps of Kingsford charcoal.
  • Zombies crave brains.  What do you think these are carrying in their hands?
  • Zombies will get up after you run them over with your car.

 So what to do in case you meet up with a snowman zombie?

Best case scenario: Avoid the zombie in question. Failing that:

  • Some say decapitation works best and will stop a zombie in his tracks.
  • Cutting a zombie  into tiny pieces with some sort of chainsaw works, but in the case of snow and electrical chainsaws there can be electrocution problems.  A snow shovel should do the trick.
  •  Hairdryer.
In any event, exercise caution and stay as far from the zombie snowperson as possible.  The further you are, the less likely you are to have an arm or leg ripped off your body.

Zombies will lunge at you if they think they have an open shot at your brains.  And on that subject, it is best to keep your head and brains covered.

The zombie snowmen in these earrings will actually protect you.  You see, each one is already carrying a brain.  So they won't need yours.  If other zombie snowmen see them, they will think the brains are YOUR brains, and move on to someone else.

These protection zombie snowmen are available on etsy.  Can you afford to be without them?


  1. Ohemgee! Where do you get a cordless hair dryer to carry with you when you have to go out in the snow!?
    You are sublimely ridiculous and comic genius, dear friend!

  2. :¦:-• «::•-:¦:-• «::•-:¦:-• «::•-:¦:-• «::•-:¦:

    Mark Twain concluded that receiving the FULL value of JOY required someone with which to divide it. It's apparent that you had fun creating this blog feature. I hope that it is magnified by your reader's appreciation of your effort!

    I think that these kids find the idea of zombie snowpersons hilarious:

    In 2012, may there be MANY persons, animals, ideas, sights, stories, and moments that bring JOY and LAUGHTER into your life! ~Sydney W.

    :¦:-• «::•-:¦:-• «::•-:¦:-• «::•-:¦:-• «::•-:¦:

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