My Name is Rhino. I'm a Feline Kleptomaniac.

My name is Rhino.  I am a Feline Kleptomaniac.  The furless one spends a lot of time in my room.  She plays with BrightandShinyThings like those turquoise nuggets.

I like to play with BrightandShinyThings.  And she has so many.  Little bits of carnelian.

Nuggets of Baltic Amber.

Little shiny rolling pieces of jasper.

Pieces of Chalcedony just the right size for dropping down the floor heater.

The rest I keep in my bed.  She thinks I never leave my bed, except to eat and poop.  But when she's gone, I get up and stretch and help myself to anything that's out.  Or anything in a plastic bag.  Okay.  Anything.

Then she sells them and goes crazy looking for them.  The bearded one tells her she needs a better organizational system.  She probably does.  But it's too late.  Because now those pieces are mine.  All mine!

(Insert evil cat laugh here.)

Sincerely,

Rhino

P.S.

The furless one would like to point out that these BrightandShinyThings are available in her etsy shop. Actually, they're in my bed.  Maybe she'll find them on Laundry Day.  Or not.

Kitty Confessions, Part VI

I told Mom I wanted canned food every meal. Fancy Feast.

Mom said, "Get a job."

I said, "I want a new kitty bed.  One with a catnip pillow."


Mom said, "Get a job."

I said, "I want a continuous stream of fresh kitty litter in my box."



Mom said, "Get a job."

She was making a necklace and earrings out of aventurine.  While she was dropping beads on the floor and cursing like a sailor, I was reading up on aventurine.

I found this on a website:

"Shortly after she started wearing an aventurine necklace regularly, a close friend got a job offer she wanted but never expected. She loaned her necklace to another friend who was going on vacation. That friend came back with a new love interest. While neither of them gave aventurine all the credit, they both said they felt different when they were wearing the necklace. It was as if a secret dream that had felt out of reach was worth pursuing and could actually happen. That's the power of aventurine."

Clearly I needed that necklace... and the earrings, too, if I was going to get a job.  I waited until Mom set the piece down so she could make Esmeralda stop barking at the dog next door.  Dumb dog.

I wrapped the necklace around my neck a couple of times (it was 20", so I had some give there). 

Since I don't have pierced ears (or anything else, for that matter) I tucked the earrings into my collar.  Then, with Esmeralda still barking, I headed for the front door.  I heard there was an opening for a nightclub singer at a hot little place called Doggie Night Care.

Do you think I look sexy enough? 

Sure enough, I got the job.  I sang all night.  The customers were a bunch of dogs.  No.  Really.    By the end of my shift, I'd been drooled on, pawed, and licked.   Some of them shared their fleas with me.  It was the most disgusting night of my life.  I took my tips and got out of there.  Some of the tips were pig's ears.  Partially chewed.  Really.

I went home, put the necklace and earrings back on the bead desk, and went to bed.

I'm never gonna leave the house again.  Who needs Fancy Feast?

But if you need a job, Mom listed the necklace and earrings on etsy.  Tell her Rhino sent you.

At the Charm Zoo

All the animals at the charm zoo are quite small, though dense, being made of sterling silver and all. Though mammalian in appearance, they are, in fact, reptiles in that their body temperature is dependent on the temperature of their environment.



The charm zebra is part of a very small species. They are only two species know, and often their stripes are not visible, and therefore nonexistent. There is the "walking" variety, seen here, and also a running variety (seen elsewhere).



Monkeys make up a large segment of the charm family as they can be found in many varieties. This monkey is of the "seated on an invisible monkey chair" variety, but other members of the species can be found . These include the "swinging" variety (as if from a branch, and not as if in a 60s R movie), the "hugging the knees" species, the "hanging upside down" species, the "mischievous smiling species", a "look at me, I'm your ancestor" species, and even a species where three monkeys pose together, each covering part of the face. Being charms who neither speak hear, or look, this species is a puzzlement to the other monkey charms.



The rhinoceros charm is also part of a very small, and possibly nearly extinct, species. Valued in some cultures for their horns, the charm rhinos are in less danger, as their horns are very small. The only variety of charm rhinos is that of the "standing with horn looking pointy" variety. In the charm world, they are very shy, which is why the rhino on this bracelet cannot actually be seen. It is hiding in the bead veldt, an area filled with wooden beads, recycled glass beads, hand-painted African beads, and pressed glass beads.



Elephants are a more varied species in the charm world, and are in great demand among charm rescuers. Though it is said that their sense of hearing is remarkable, this seems unlikely. None are known to have participated in a conversation to date. A remarkable number of varieties of the species can be found, from the "standing on hind legs elephant" to the "walking in an elephant parade" elephant to the "showering with the trunk" variety. There is even a variety that has shown political leanings.



The panther charm is another rare species, often confused with the leopard charm, jaguar charm, cheetah charm, lynx charm, and irritable house cat charm. The panther charm is often placed in the wrong ecosystem in a bead zoo, and will be found with African beads rather than rainforest beads.



All the charm species get along very well and thrive when attached to more sterling silver, from which they can derive their nourishment. Their zoo is currently on tour and can be found here.