Attack of the Cutesy Kittens

No Thank You

by Shel Silverstein

No I do not want a kitten,

No cute, cuddly kitty-poo,

No more long hair in my cornflakes,

No more midnight meowing mews.

 

No more scratchin’, snarlin’, spitters,

No more sofas clawed to shreds,

No more smell of kitty litter,

No more mousies in my bed.

No I will not take that kitten—

I’ve had lice and I’ve had fleas,

I’ve been scratched and sprayed and bitten,

I’ve developed allergies.

If you’ve got an ape, I’ll take him,

If you have a lion, that’s fine,

If you brought some walking bacon,

Leave him here, I’ll treat him kind.

I have room for mice and gerbils,

I have beds for boars and bats,

But please, please take away that kitten—

Quick—‘fore it becomes a cat.

Well…it is kind of cute at that.

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~Shel Silverstein

This is What Happens When You Go to a Monkey for Advice

by Shel Silverstein

Well, once the world was full of monkeys,

A long time ago.

And elephants with big long trunkies,

A long time ago.

And the elephants swarm in the Zazafram Sea,

And the monkeys swung from the zilibum tree,

And life was silly as it could be

A long time ago.

One day the elephant was feelin' spunky,

A long time ago.

So he went to have a talk with the monkey,

A long time ago.

And the elephant said, "oh Lordy me,

I think I'm in love with the bumblebee.

Do you think she's a little too small for me?"

A long time ago.

Now the monkey said, "You're thinking like a donkey,

A long time ago.

She's kinda small and you're sorta chunky,

A long time ago.

So sit right down upon my knee.

I'll tell you why your love can never be.

It's a physical impossibility,

A long time ago."

Now the elephant's tears went plinkety plunky,

A long time ago.

And he went home to pack his trunkie,

A long time ago.

He said, "I see that bee was not for me."

So he went and he married a little gray flea,

And they were as happy as they could be,

And they had children -- one, two, three,

But if you want to know how, please don't ask me,

It was a long time ago.

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